Dear Shrey,

Its been two years since you left us and it is still so hard to accept. Your absence or should I say your presence is so conspicuous in our lives…whenever I remember the past, I think if so and so event happened before Shrey left us or after Shrey left us…none of us is the same now…a part of all of us left with you. I miss you and I also miss the old us.

 I am writing today because I just wanted to talk to you -

- I often try to relive the last visit of yours to our house as much as I can...there are some moments that are I remember and have been etched in my memory. Like you standing outside the airport and not wearing anything very warm and me thinking that you didn't get a jacket as it was really cold.

- Then there were so many other moments that I lived with you during that time but I don’t remember because I must have been busy and I must have gone by those moments without actually feeling those moments and now I regret because I want to feel those moments again... It is a lesson that I have learnt that we have live and feel each moment even the busy moments.

- Another time I remember is our trip to sector 17, me talking to you about something and the way you looked at me with your big eyes and feeling awkward but at the same time getting the gest of what I was saying.

- you always made Bambi feel so special ..you were just like a real brother to Bambi and he so looked upto you...I miss your influence on Bambi...I miss your calls and random messages that you sent to him. You know, bambi listens to these hardcore Punjabi music these days…he really enjoys the beats…but probably doesn’t understand the male chauvinistic nature of the lyrics of these songs. I wonder if you would have given him company listening to these songs.

- I remember the last hug and seeing you off outside the house and I always think that i should have gone to drop you at the airport...don't remember what I was busy with but I missed an opportunity to create a few more memories and life didn't give me another chance.

- I loved your book and I am sure you would have also been proud of it.

- I believe Raga is still processing your loss…Initial years she was too busy missing her old life and the old Zina and the old Bijoy to actually feel your absence and now she is feeling it more, I guess. But she is such a brave girl and I am sure she will come out stronger and kinder.

- I miss you and I miss us.

 

Love,

Massi

 Diwali 2023

Dear Shrey,

Its more than a year since you have left us. It still feels so unreal…you left us with so many questions that will forever remain unanswered. But we all are slowly learning to live with those questions. There are times when you are so conspicuous by your absence…that your presence or absence is felt in each one of our smiles or tears!

 

I was going through your writings and it gives me goosebumps…it feels as if you knew something that we all could not see…I listened to your podcast today and it was like you were describing what happened to you after death. I wonder what did you feel inside when you wrote all these writings? Did you feel some kind of a longing? Are you happy wherever you are? Have you made peace with what is?

The last image I have of you is at Softy Corner in sector 17…and then the last hug when you were leaving for Bangalore outside our house…I do feel that may be we should have gone to drop you at the airport instead of sending you with the driver!!

 

I miss you…and I miss the old us…all of us – I miss Zina’s narration of various “quissas” and her unabandoned laughter on jokes that sometimes other people didn’t get it but they would laugh just looking at her, the twinkle and joy in the eyes of Bijoy, the banters between you and Raga, carefree joyfulness of your Nani, the spring in the walk and the laughter in the eyes of Nanu, the unending giggles of Bambi when he would talk to you on the phone and that pure sense of sheer joy in all of us…

 

We all are trying in our various way to learn from what has happened …and it has made all of us softer, kinder, forgiving and may be more empathetic…and we all continue to find our meanings.

But no matter what we do or wherever we are – you and razaa remain in our hearts!

We love you and miss you.

Happy Diwali!

Remembering Shrey

“this is it”,  i say to myself. this is his chandigarh house address. where he used to live. he had not left us here, but he sort of had. he lived in this house for 5 years and those were the most fun and warm days i ever had with him. he was five years older to me but he was my cousin, the one i loved sooooo much. i loved staying up late with him and watching videos or just reading books. he was my friend. he introduced me to lots of good music like alec benjamin and other singers. but that all stopped when he had to shift to bangalore. in the start, we used to call each other a lot, but even that stopped in some time. he came to meet us twice, once with his family, and once alone and the crazy thing is that i had a football tournament coming up but its venue was far away and my parents could not watch me play. but he did , he came to all of my matches and just sat there and watched me, i knew he would get bored but not once did he complain and i really admire him for that. this photo was taken the day i reached the finals. 

We  had celebratory burgers that day, and it was probably the best time I ever had with him. The thing I loved about our time together is that we never fought, hurt, or got angry at each other. I remember he used to feel so bad when I used to get hurt and cry ( I was a bit of a crybaby then) that he used to make me laugh by telling a joke or something and then say “ tu has raha hain ki ro raha hain?’ and that used to make me laugh so bad I used to forget why I got hurt. The only regret I have is that in the last call I made to him, he’d asked me to tell him about my school trip for which I had bin gone for a month, but my mom was calling me for dinner and so I said ‘ agle Wednesday main aa reha hu, tab bata du ga’ and left. It was a very short call and the last word he ever said to me was: bye.

                                                                                                 Karan - Bambi (shrey’s cousin)

It has been 3 months since Shrey left us! And it is still difficult to believe that he is not there…I close my eyes and I see this smiling and excited face ready to talk, ready to embrace the world of adulthood, ready to experiment, share, love, grow and experience so much more! A beautiful life cut short so abruptly and leaving us with so many unanswered questions and so many what ifs...

I realize how helpless we are – we don’t know what or who is controlling all that happens in this world – is there a divine power, or is it some energy or is it just randomness – I don’t know but what I know is that we don’t have any control. The only control I have is on my reactions to what has happened and what I become as a result of it. 

But the thoughts and questions don't stop.. sometimes I feel angry and frustrated as to why two children of our family had to die so young…and what else is in store? I feel afraid when I think of the fragility of life and the fear makes me feel weak and vulnerable and not sure of what or how we should live…and then there are times when I think that if we don’t have any control over what will happen then what are we afraid of?? 

Simply Live!

with a heart full of love and find the joy within (even with tears in your eyes)

And then what should we pray for? Do our prayers have any meaning? Do they make a difference? I don’t know….but prayers do make me feel stronger! And may be the only thing to pray for is strength to go through this life – which is beautiful filled with joy and sorrow…to have the wisdom to understand that may be joy and sorrow are not very different and our purpose in life is to embrace both with ease. 

What is grief? Will it lessen with time or will we just learn to live with it? Can grief of two people be compared? Are we just grieving the loss of Shrey? Or are we grieving something that has been permanently lost inside all of us? No matter how hard we try to get life back to normal…it will not happen…We have to find our new normal where Shrey is inside us. Life is very resilient and it will find a way to continue...

I just hope and pray that we be mindful and find a little Shrey inside all of us and cherish it and Live till we meet him, razaa and all our loved ones again (do we meet again or not I don't know but the idea sounds good).

Sending our dear Shrey lots and lots of love and hugs and wishing him pure joy!!

Shrey in Chandigarh in Dec 2021